It's been some time since my last update, and I must admit, there's a reason for that--many of them, in fact, but primarily, it's the same concern that faces us all (I believe) every so often: the "crisis of faith," as it were.
Ever since I was young, when I first discovered my passionate side and the tangents that it brought, I've faced this little monster every so often. It's the one that tells you what you're doing is wrong, and that's why you hide it--after all, if it was "okay," you'd just tell everyone, right? Eventually, you begin to feel guilty, and so you invent another personality to push those feelings onto and keep them off of yourself--now, you aren't doing anything wrong, it's just _______ who can't keep his or her "strange" feelings under control.
But of course, it's still you, and sooner or later, your mind can't keep up the ruse any longer.
That's what I've been dealing with for quite some time now, and it really came to a head a few weeks ago. I don't think it'll come as a terrible surprise to anyone that I--the real me, that is--am not a genetic woman. I don't dress in real life, and I've never seriously considered any sort of surgery or therapy to make myself feel like a woman. This--this blog, these sites, this culture--is my outlet for that energy, the only place that I believe I'll ever truly be feminine, and frankly, the only place I believe I'll ever want to feel that way. Because of that, when I begin to get that guilty feeling, I cut ties from it and try to repress it, even against my own will sometimes.
I can't count the number of personas I've "killed" over the years. Several, at least, all of whom have gone the way of the dodo. "Gwen Stacy" (yes, like the Spider-Man character) was the one that lasted the longest until now, but Hailey's the only one who ever felt..."real" isn't the right word, but it's the best one for the job at the moment. She's a part of me that I truly don't want to let go, but sometimes, I feel as though I should.
All of you who have followed this blog, commented on my work, made suggestions, etc...you've all always made me feel welcome and a part of this community of ours, and I thank you all so much for that. The best way I know to show that appreciation is two-fold: one, with a new little work which you'll see below, and two, with a sincere promise to keep these kinds of personal outpourings to a minimum in the future. =) I just had to get that one off my chest, and while the "real me" may sometimes have difficulty with this side of my life, Hailey is eternally grateful for each and every one of you. And don't worry...neither of us is going anywhere anytime soon, even if you only hear from me sporadically.
And now, to the latest work, which I sincerely hope lives up to the hype after all of that build-up! =)
